‘At Times I Think, At Times I Am’

Warning: This post contains, what some readers may consider, strong language and offensive content.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just being a self-centred, ungrateful bastard for wanting more than I currently have. I’m not talking solely about material goods here though. Yes, I suppose I am quite materialistic, but more important things like happiness, love and friendship will always come first. But I haven’t been genuinely happy in a while and I’ve forgotten what love feels like. So, in that sense, I guess I don’t have much after all.

People around me say that I am, quote on quote, “moody, emotional and negative.” And these are my friends and family, mind you. Those are characteristics of Me. Sure, I am moody, but who doesn’t have more than one bouquet of moods on show in one day? I am emotional, but I would rather be alive and feel everything than soul-dead and not even feel apathy. And yeah, I’m negative, but have you seen the news lately? Or on a more personal level, when last has anything positive happened directly to me? It’s been a while, I can tell you. And no, I’m not ungrateful, I think I count my blessings like a mother duck her ducklings. If you want me to change, you can, in the most offensive Scouse accent imaginable, fuck right off.

Anyway, in more current news, I go back to Grahamstown in about two weeks time. Nervous? Sad? Anxious? No way. Excited? Eager? Ready to go? I have my bags packed. I’m sick of sitting here watching people making incredibly obvious mistakes. It’s utterly heart-breaking.

Cape Town gets smaller and smaller the longer you stay here. Sure it is the most amazing city this side of the world but personally, in my situation, it is better for me to leave and return when I can. I don’t know… perhaps after college I may even never return.

*Post title credited to the late French poet, Paul Valéry.