The Small Endings of Significant Nothings
SUMMER VACATION EDITION
This post has not been the easiest to write or edit for that matter. I wouldn’t call it writer’s block per se but I’ve been staring at my closed laptop for well over two hours now, trying to conjure up anything vaguely describing how I feel tonight.
To be honest, I still haven’t any idea. (more…)
Are You the Storm, or the Sunshine?
Cape Town always looks gorgeous, even during a storm. (Courtesy of twitter.com/grahamandrobert)
That is what I missed earlier this morning. That is what I’ve missed for most of the year: Cape Town – my home; in all its glorious beauty.
This semester is dragging now. Seriously dragging. I have 18 days, 18 DAYS left in this stupid little hole-in-the-ground middle-of-nowhere town. During these 18 days, I write four dubiously simple exams.
*Sigh*
Apart from Paul Scholes announcing his retirement, (see my tribute here) which gave my morning an already melancholic tinge of grey, I’ve heard some more, somewhat more personal, and therefore, more distressing news today too…
Apparently, there are some things I don’t miss about home… Let me tell you about it, shall I? (more…)
The Summer School
These past 70 days have sped by, much like an 18-wheeler whose driver has fallen asleep without the knowledge that he is about to plummet a few thousand metres to his most gruesome death. Even though I hardly had a chance to fully embrace all of it as I had intended, I still learnt a great deal about myself, people and most importantly, life. Here are just a few of the ideologies I have stumbled upon.
- Friends are your most appreciated commodity. Family are your most valued.
- When faced with a dilemma that has a typically logical and illogical answer, go with your instincts, not your brain.
- Time is and never will be on your side.
- Parents have seen and done everything that you have or ever will before, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make the forewarned mistakes yourself.
- Should you ever fall in love with your friend, tell them. Your friendship will somehow strengthen that much more.
- Being honest is critical, but lying can sometimes be that much more important.
- The most obvious answer to an issue is not usually the correct one.
- Distance is the ultimate relationship killer. Sometimes though, distance is exactly what’s needed.
- Your family are always there for you, regardless of how severe your problem is.
- Somethings cannot be learnt; you just somehow know exactly what to do.
- Life is extremely erratic, ephemeral and unpredictable. If you have to do something, do it now. You may not be alive another moment longer.
- As George Carlin said before, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
- Take many, many photographs. Write many, many stories. Keep a journal of all the notable moments in your life.
- Ask for advice, but do not assume that everything you hear is what you should do.
- There is more to one’s life that his or her actions dictates.
- Laugh at yourself once in a while. It not only keeps you modest, but also helps you to let go of the past.
- And with that said… Never let your past dictate your future. Only apply the valuable information gained in the past into your life now, so that you don’t do the same damn things again.
Those are all I can think of for now. I’ll probably forget most of these, but here lies a mantra to help you decipher the code of life. Enjoy!
- reddevilandy10
Boxes In My Mind
So… where was I? Oh yes. Last time I posted, I was administering some melancholy and self-loathing through my keyboard. It’s fair to say that the little hypochondriacal “fit” is over with, I hope. I’ve had a good past two days, fully laden with the news of a new job – yes, I am finally unemployed – plenty of time spent with friends and my football, as well as seeing the new Harry Potter film, which by all means was probably the lowlight of my week. Besides all that, I’ve come to terms with a space in my mind I like to call the-things-that-will-never-happen-in-my-life box. You see, it all came about when I was in high school, that some things will just not be realised regardless of how much aspiring or dreaming or grafting you do. Namely, this box consists of people I like who would not get with me even if I paid them, as well as currently unattainable material things; like getting a car next year, for example.
This box no longer applies to my conscious mind. I try not to think of it anymore. In all honesty, I’ve changed the name to the-things-that-may-happen-if-I-want-them-badly-enough box. Yeah, I realise that is a total contradiction, but, I’m definitely not ruling out anything anymore. What’s the point of living if every task you fail at or every girl you meet and don’t impress ends up in the tttwnhiml box? There won’t be anything left to live for.
Oh well, as far as work is concerned though, hopefully I’ll be sorted when I go back up to Grahamstown again too. That’ll be awesome. I really need the money.
Anyway, I ran out of things to say tonight. Maybe I’ll post again later… possibly… maybe. I’ll see. If not, have a good one all.
- reddevilandy10
The Beautiful Irony
BEWARE: This post may offend some sensitive readers. You have been warned. Reader discretion is advised.
If there’s one place I always feel wanted, it’s my bed. My little cocoon, where I can be all alone, in a state of self-loathing, hating the world for all it’s worth.
I was thinking of doing a what makes me feel good when I’m down post, but figured, how often am I really happy?
I tend to oversleep a lot, because the mere thought of being awake makes me tremble with anguish sometimes. I don’t want to be who I am, and most days, it tends to show through my very thin facade. People shouldn’t know the real me, because, as far as I’ve known, I don’t even know the real me.
Faces in my life have come and gone. Walked on by or stayed for a while, earned my friendship and then fucked off home. I don’t want that, and I don’t need that, and I certainly don’t want to allow it anymore. They don’t like the me they see, so they back off, or assume that certain things are about them. If you can’t understand why I like being alone most days then you don’t deserve to be called a friend. Respect my fucking wishes, and when I tell you I don’t feel like company it has nothing to do with you. Nothing.
For what it’s worth, I have been a loner for longer than I care to remember. I believe it started way back in preschool when I used to get bullied often, and picked on my the girls. I wasn’t happy then, and, it seems to have followed me, a full 15 years later, to haunt me every so often. That is not the only reason.
Usually, the people most quick to leave me are indeed, lovers. Mind you, I have not had someone to call mine in two years, so I am a bit out of practice. I tend to approach these in the wrong ways, usually befriending the girl I like before attempting any type of romantic exchange. It always comes back to bite me in the ass. Every fucking time.
I’m not saying that that’s one reason why I’m gloomy more often than not, I’m saying it’s a primary factor. It’s awesome knowing that the girl you like will always be in your life, but if you fall in love with her, do you really just want her in your life? Would you stand back while she replaces you with another? No. But what are the chances of you actually being more than a friend once you are thrown in the friend box? Hardly any.
I don’t know what to do. I never had any clue about the decisions that I have made in my life. I usually just do stupid shit and hope for the best. But this, this is different. It has gotten to the point where I just want to be away from it. I don’t want to have to deal with the fact that I probably won’t get my way yet again. Naive, perhaps, but one can only handle so much. Pressure, I’m your man, but emotions, especially affection, then I’m probably the weakest I know.
Odd, but the one thing that is causing my pain, is the same thing that would actually help resolve it. Aaah, life.
PS: Listen to “Crush” by David Archuleta. The perfect synonym for my life at this moment.
The Final Mare
BEWARE: This post may offend some sensitive readers. You have been warned. Reader discretion is advised.
It’s only 01h15, but I’m home. After being beckoned to come out to embrace Grahamstown for the last time, even with a slight hangover, I obliged and now, unfortunately, smell of ten packs of Marlboro. Not only am I extremely happy, I am extremely disappointed too.
You know the unmistakable feeling of feeling insurmountably euphoric and then the next, feeling bottom of the earth unhappy? That’s how I feel now.
It’s a pity this night had to end. I really enjoyed it. Having to endure that the fact certain life choices may never actually be realised made me shiver inside. Amazingly, that life choice always happens to be one who you enjoy being with.
Yeah. The cold, unmistakable kiss of anger, resentment and utter pain.
The thing is though, I always seem to set myself up for these kind of moments. Honestly, I am no good at getting with girls anymore. I am no good. I may as well join the fucking air force and fly about just to crash because that’s what I do perennially. It seems as if that’s the only thing I’m good at. Don’t get me wrong though, friendship is something that will last a lifetime, but something ephemeral, that, my friends, is sometimes worth so much more.
I’m sitting here, half-sober, blurting out my most private and trivial thoughts to you, readers, I ask that you may empathize with me. I want to love some one who does not want to be in love with me. The scary thing? I’m all for it. BECAUSE it is love, readers, that allows one to make all decisions, regardless of hoe your life turns out. Regardless of what the circumstances may be. No, your only thought is about the one that you hold in your heart.
Love is about not giving a fuck about yourself, but putting all that time, care and effort into the one YOU love.
That is true love.
I can understand why it is so goddamn hard to find! I mean, what the fuck am I doing wrong? Is it because I care too much? Do I not possess a boyfriend bone in my body? What is it?
Anyone, please enlighten me! Because I am fucking sick of being single. It’s been best part of two years. 2008. That’s over 600 days. Do you know how that feels? It is not fucking comforting.
It is not something you can go to sleep to. Never have I slept any worse than I have after I come home from a party sober. Too see all the apparent lovebirds chirping amongst each other. Never!
I have had dreams of falling off a cliff, dying, butterflies being killed, but not once a happy ending?
I love my life, but at the same time, I despise it so much. To be honest, sometimes, hiding pain within happiness, is harder than not being happy at all. And that, my friends, is how I go to sleep tonight.
reddevilandy10
Sobriety Girls
The 22nd of October. The day that first year officially ends. The day that everyone explodes with relief and euphoria. The day that everyone gets pissed out of their skulls.
I had a horrible day. I handed my journalism piece in tow minutes late, which resulted in -20%. I had like three hours sleep in total. I had the personnel in my psychology essay group send some really mean emails, not to mention a few of my friends too. It was bad. So, initially I was not in the greatest of moods. Luckily though, my day seemed a lot brighter after I visited the student bureau and got a few hours sleep.
The end of term for me is usually shit. It turned out to be a pretty good day.
I have, however, made a few observations as a result of tonight’s proceedings….
I wanted to get drunk. Absolutely brainless. That never happened. Instead, I spent most of the night at Friar’s stone sober. It allowed me though to see the other side of the mare, what people tend to disregard when they’re inebriated.
Drunks are assholes. I’m not sure if it’s because when you’re sober you’re more aware of your misdemeanors or general conduct, or whether you just become a thoughtless, narcissistic idiot who thinks you rule the world. Is sober really that aware? I know some pretty sober assholes, and no amount of alcohol can worsen or better that situation.
Are drunks really that much more honest? I saw so many strangers hooking up with randoms tonight; so many girls giving themselves to guys they barely know. Why? Is that what they really want, or are their brains just not functioning?
Mind you, I know some amazing girls on this campus. Some girls who would make you seem non-deserving, immature and just generally shit. They are so amazingly gorgeous, your world will stop, you’ll stand still, the moment you see them smile. I know them. And believe me, I don’t even deserve them. The boyfriends sure as hell don’t.
Anyway, I’m really tired. Had an all nighter yesterday so I’m pretty knackered. I shall give you the full story tomorrow. Until then, sleep tight.
- reddevilandy10
Coldplay Tracks and Rabbit Traps
Post Location: In bed.
Weather: Chilly and overcast.
Mood: I could be better; content.
I Feel Like…: Bunking my English tut and staying in bed.
Song of the Day: “Amsterdam” by Coldplay. (See below)
I’ve only had about five hours sleep today. It’s 8.12 in the morning and my eyes feel as if they’ve been surgically attached to my face. I had to wake up to finish an English tutorial, and should actually be doing my psych essay, but naa that’s for later’s entertainment.
The tut was really interesting… we’re doing modernist poetry so the works under the microscope today was Plath and Hughes “The Rabbit Catcher.” What a turbulent relationship it was in those poems aren’t emotionally biased. Hughes one I especially enjoyed.
Comparing a rabbit snare to a relationship? Yeah. You get the idea. Anyway, I’ll post both of the poems up on My Poetry page so you can have a read, because it’s well worth it.
On a much happier note, this Saturday, as I had said in last night’s post, will be one to remember. Really looking forward to it. It will probably be the last mare in Grahamstown for a while. After all, exams begin in less than a month’s time, and I have so many things due even my calendar is getting confused. I’m handling it though. Readers, you will be the first to know if your author has a mental or emotional breakdown!
I’m gonna try to get some rest now, even if it’s just for an hour, every second counts in this place.
PS:
Courtesy of user Bigjokk, here’s a YouTube video of Coldplay performing Amsterdam live from the V Festival in England in 2003. Enjoy.
- reddevilandy10
To: You
There’s nothing worse than being able to tell the one who you love, who is actually one of your closest friends, that you like her. Perhaps, even adore her. What’s not to love though? Her eyes are made of pure innocence, her lips, crafted by the very angels who shaped the flowers in the meadows, her hair, cascading down her neck like a Summer rainfall, her smile, bringing colour to an otherwise black and white world… Who is she not to be acknowledged?
She amazes me. From the words falling from her mouth, to her body language – they put me in trances that only spells could break. Amazing how even though my life is perfect, I still need her.
I wanna make her smile every day, make her coffee, and breakfast in bed. I want to keep her warm in Winter, I want to be there for her when the world bites. I want to be a part of her life, a part of her being, a part of her soul.
I am ready to give it up for her. Being single for so long, I know I am ready to really give myself to someone. Someone who will treasure me as I treasure her. Someone who will treat my home as hers. Someone who will make my life the epitome of awesome.
How about it? Take a risk? After all, how does an eagle know if it can fly or not if it does not spread it’s wings and leap??
Think about it.
I really hope you do.
- reddevilandy10
I Love My Life!
Song of the Evening – Martin Solveig featuring Dragonette – “Hello”
Life is unpredictable. Regardless.
This is how it should be lived, this is how it should be savored. If life was to be understood, the fun would be lost. The capricious, vagarious nature of it would be lost, and we’d be stuck in a Groundhog Day of sorts.
The fact that we have no common control over our own lives is the beauty of life. We’re along for the ride, and we best enjoy it for what it’s worth.
Thus, it brings me to Grahamstown. A sleepy hollow of a little student town, that impresses me to no end – especially on the party, or mare side of life.
Here I am, at 2am in the morning, half-drunk, listening to Martin Solveig “Hello” as if it is the only track on Earth. If it wasn’t for my bed, and the pillows that I am up against, I would be burning holes through my makeshift dance floor.
Tonight I took part in so many different people’s lives, lived new experiences – ones I hope that I will tell my children about one day – and seen some truly gorgeous people. There’s one though, that would make my life truly complete… but you’re, well, you know who you are… you just need to admit it!
Life is way too ephemeral to be neglected, as is happiness, which is, in all honesty, a commodity. We all love to be happy. As for me, I love making people laugh, smile, happy. But you, God, you, you I love making happy most of all. You deserve happiness.
Well, I wish you could have been at Friar Tuck’s and Burning Man tonight, you really would have enjoyed it. I certainly have. Shout out to all the people in my life who make it worthwhile. Those who make me want to be a better person. A better human being. And most of all, a person who lives life as if it is a spinning paper disc engulfed in flames.
Life’s amazing guys, live it, love it, find love within it.
I’m out. That you Grahamstown for one incredible night!!!
- reddevilandy10
Blogging Whilst Drunk
BEWARE: This post may offend some sensitive readers. You have been warned. Reader discretion is advised.
Look, okay, I have no problem with any relationship, but when it starts to affect your own personality then it’s time to call it quits. I understand if you may love a certain someone, but what is the reason for this “love”? Is it the fact that you know what this specific person offers? Of you know this certain person’s habits and rituals? Is it because you do not have confidence that you will find someone else in your life? Well, if it’s anyone of those, then God… what a waste of time life is.
I am always the so-called “jack-in-the-box” relationship type. I expect love in return, and that’s all. God, I am far from demanding. Play with my hair, keep my bed warm – that’s the minimum.
With you though, I swear it would be a privilege to be with you. You brighten up my day without even knowing it. You are the fucking sun in my sky, and you deny it. All I want it a chance. But no, the “friend box” is where I will stay, apparently. God, I’ve made this my unwanted home in so many relationships with girls. I have no beef being in your life as your friend, in fact, it is an honour, but seriously, missing out on pure bliss by not being with me just doesn’t seem a good life decision. I’m not gonna to be available forever. As your friend I feel that I should actually tell you this.
Think about it.
Regardless though, I’ll always be here for you. Trust my word.
Yours truly,
- reddevilandy10
Untitled: Post #96
Today really wasn’t a good day. Apparently, “we make our own bad days” or so I’ve heard, but screw that… it was bad because I said it was bad.
I really wish I had enough money to travel, and even someone to travel with. I wouldn’t even be here then.
We’d be standing on top of the Eiffel Tower or walking along the Great Wall of China. We’d be dining at la Colombe back home in Cape Town, and then watch lions hunt gazelle on the Serengeti plains. We would climb Mount Kilimanjaro together and go skiing in the Drakensberg. We’d fall asleep in Hong Kong, and wake up in the Ritz-Carlton in Miami. We’d be windsurfing, bungee jumping, skydiving, base jumping, paragliding together… anything that involves falling through the air, or if she just wants to watch it’s cool. We would back pack through Europe, living off the bare essentials and during Christmastime, find a cozy Tuscan villa to spend the festive season in. We’d even buy a house in Tuscany, or buy an island in the Pacific, or even buy the entire damn continent of Africa… I’m getting a bit carried away now…
I would not be here, and that’s for damn certain. I wouldn’t be pointlessly passing the days, going to lectures I fall asleep in – by the way, I went to all my classes today, impressive indeed – I’d be scuba diving off the Great Barrier reef somewhere. Sigh.
I supposed I should be grateful though… I am though… I just want more I guess.
But most of all, I just long to have that bond with someone again. Screw the traveling then.
Cupid’s Sunglasses
I am an optimist. I try to see good in every situation or person before the bad. I dress in short sleeve tees during Winter hoping that it will be sunny. I even take some time to think about how great my life is occasionally, and how great it is still going to become. But mention this word “love” to me, and I change.
You see, once upon a time, my view on “love” was not tainted. There were no scars or memories. One could say that I looked at life through Cupid’s sunglasses, noticing all good things that love creates as I encounter it. But then, one quiet day, my views on love were damaged. Those sunglasses were trampled by a troll named Reality, who does not dwell in the same supernatural, abstract, make-believe realm as love does. Reality is never compelled to do those sort of horrible things though, someone always, always has to ask it to. Hence, the reason people’s actions are so much more powerful than words will ever be.
During the past few days I’ve been meeting people who are apparently “falling in love”, who are happily in love and those who are teetering on the brink, but not sure exactly what it all means yet. To those who are not sure what love holds, don’t try to find out, instead, take my advice – it’s not worth the pain. Yes, optimistic it may be to want to fall head-over-heels in love, but it’s just not smart. It’s not stable. It puts you somewhere that you don’t want to be after it’s all over. When you are “in love” you become a shadow of yourself. You lose your identity. It’s revolting.
Mind you, it does feel amazing. To find that one person who makes your pillow smell like roses, or keeps your bed warm at night, or even just holds your hand as you walk down the road… it means that much. You will want to risk having your face altered just to have all of that. But, unless you’re sure, it’s not worth it.
Just, look, if you’re planning to be in a romantic relationship, find someone who really appreciates you. If someone can transcend all of these fears, pessimism and negativity to hold hands with you, then go for it. Otherwise, he or she really isn’t worth it. Stop trying to kid yourself. Don’t ever settle for less.
Thank You For Noticing
I wonder where my Cape Town friends have been recently. You just don’t hear anything from them anymore, you know? I wonder. Have they left the country? Or have they forgot that I actually exist? Hmm… these questions must be asked I’m afraid.
On top of that, the only person you think who abstractly cares about you is you ex-girlfriend who seems to have burnt all her memories of me too. Sigh. This shit just keeps coming round to haunt me.
The more I try to get out of it, the harder it pulls me in.
And yes, I feel helpless sometimes. That’s why it would be great to have friends who are genuinely interested in your life. I swear, I am independent and I like my solidarity but shit, there are some times you just need to lean on someone, sometimes even let them carry you.
On top of that, doing shit that really makes you unhappy (like journalism, for example) everyday doesn’t make life feel any sunnier. Speaking of which, journalism readers, has nothing to do with writing. I hate researching. I hate interviewing. I hate having to attend these stupid, boring , pointless lectures every day. I hate it!
Don’t ask me why I chose journalism. Looks like I’ll be the latest failed student to have wasted copious amounts of my parents money on visioned greatness in which I had no information on whatsoever.
On top of that, there’s nothing quite like being reminded that you can’t travel the world because you are broke. Yes, being asked “how are you going to do that” a hundred times over does not make me feel better. I have no clue how I am going to do it. Just don’t spoil the dream for me please, it’s probably the only thing that encourages me to get out of bed in the mornings. Having my shortcoming over-emphasized is not how I picture spending my Sunday evening.
I have to finish a shit lot of work tonight. Best I get started.
Confessions of a Broken Lover
I must confess: I was never any good at being a boyfriend. I would be clingy, sloppy and constantly jealous. I would want to impress her at every opportunity and centre my entire life around her. To be honest, my life became hers.
Now that she is apparently so happy with another guy, it makes me rage with this unsanded hatred towards basically everything. Even though I said “friends would be the best option for us”, I’m beginning to think that I have no clue how to be friends with her. I still want to win her heart. I want her to want to worry about me constantly. I want her directly in my life. I want her to make my life hers. And I think this is where conflict starts; I’m willing to put everything into a relationship when she only puts in what she wants. I know, I should be over this, it’s been the best part of two years since we officially broke up, but shit, she was my life.
What makes it worse is how since then, I just haven’t found a replacement. Yeah, a few girls have come close, but I really messed those chances up too. It’s not as if I had intended to, I just messed it up. I’m inexperienced as it is in love, so please, don’t take it personally. And if you’re reading this, try harder to understand.
Once you have someone take your heart, it’s unfathomably difficult to regain it. I know I’ve said that love is a stupid, superfluous emotion only experienced due to the desperate, instinctual need to be with another who feels the same way, but I felt something truly, well… spiritual I guess, with this girl.
I’m just rambling, but trying to explain my emotions when it comes to her is just going to sound prepared and well thought of. It’s not. They’re capricious and raw. Almost as if she fuels my affectional engine. My heart beats twice as fast around her than normal, now tell me if that’s just coincidence.
I really loved her. But, I guess it’s time to swear, punch my pillow, and bite my hand, because I will never be the one who holds her hand ever again… So it seems.
Chasing Smiles
All good things come to an end. That’s the standard. Nothing given, nothing taken. You just know it will happen, regardless of how happy, or indeed, depressed you are. Happiness, is ephemeral, in which lies its real worth and beauty.
Things that seem to be out of our grasp, are valued the most by us, setting the easily attainable a lower status by default. After all, nothing worth doing is ever going to give you a shitty result if done correctly. So on that basis, perpetual happiness is right up there… If not the highest ranked of all ambitions.
I love being happy. If not more than actually being in love. Sometimes, being happy and single is not quite enough though. Being happy alone is an empty affair; a personal illusion of note. The notion of living life alone, you know, being the ultimate bachelor, is utter bullshit. Even players get lonely, and that’s a fact.
This city seems to have everything that one should need to a) be happy, and b) fall in love. So much talent, bright eager eyes lighting up the otherwise cold and lifeless nights. It is the epitome of happiness. And happy, my readers, I aim to be. Perpetually.
The Return To Solitude
I’m taking an extended break from my work to type this. I think I need to get all of this out because I just can’t seem to concentrate at all.
I’m back in Grahamstown. The big, spiraling vortex of nothingness. The life-fragmenter. It’s supposed to be the City of Saints - bullshit.
The past two weeks have really not been very pleasant. Things just seem to happen in chains, like when one bad thing happens the next is not too far away. I swear if that’s not enough, I just make my life completely complicated for no reason. I think I don’t feel an emotion of some kind constantly, I lose all interest and hope in myself. It’s as if feeling pain is so much better than apathy. I guess with pain, the only emotion you can feel other than pain must be something a degree more positive at least.
I still hate this though – being miles away from my real life in Cape Town. Having to artificially manufacture some sort of routine here to help me cope with the distance. And it’s not that I’m far away from people, it’s as if when I’m in Grahamstown the Capetonians I know seem to forget all about me. We hardly ever talk. We never keep in touch, or update each other or even just swap greetings on MXit. It’s cutting up my life and friendships and spitting it everywhere.
I really don;t know what will make me feel better. Maybe to have someone remind me that life is a lot better than how I perceive it. That would be great. But where do I find this person? Because I sure as hell don’t listen to myself. I wouldn’t want to anyway.
I’m glad I got some of that out… maybe I can actually work properly now.
Painful Apathy
It’s strange how a few months ago, I couldn’t see myself living without my family and parents. But now that I’m home, I feel as if I want to go back to Grahamstown and live independently, under my roof. I love them but they just smother me too much. My dad still thinks I’m ten-years-old. My mother is not that bad though. I appreciate her company, but my dad seems to have this unfading want to want to show me how to do everything. He nags and pushes even though I don’t like being forced to do things. It changes me. I become angry and erratic when cornered.
It’s shit how all of this turned out. I wish I had done my work experience in Grahamstown when I still had the chance. I wish I didn’t chicken out so often when I needed to do things. I really don’t like the person I am. I despise myself.
I just wish I was back in Grahamstown. I feel more at home there than I do here. Even though I’ll miss the one person who makes leaving Cape Town so hard. I wish I could take her with me. I hate that I have to leave her just as we rediscovered our spark.
I’m really not happy today. I just feel like weeping.
- reddevilandy10
I Need You
Life is hard here in Cape Town. With the World Cup kicking off today, other things are clouding my mind. I feel like rubbish – the weather here takes some getting used to again it seems, but I’m also missing someone at this very hour tonight.
I don’t know why I can’t let go, but I swear that every time I see her face, smell her skin and feel her lips, I fall in love with her all over again. I can’t be without her. The years I have spent with her have been the most stable and pleasant of my life. She gave me this confidence that just helped me do everything with purpose. I felt like I needed nothing else to be happy when I was around her. I want that again. And I don’t give a shit what obstacles are in the way. It seems that there will always be obstacles. But, shit, I need you so much love.
I don’t know why you’re in love with me, you could have any other guy on the face of the planet, but you choose me. That I don’t understand. I do understand that I need you, and my life seems like black and white without you in it.
I hope I can see you again sometime next week. I really need to see you. And I don’t care about your past, or the paths you chose to take. All I know is that you’re still the person I am madly in love with. And love is the only explanation for how I feel.
I love you.
- reddevilandy10
Back To Bedlam
Credit goes to James Blunt for the use of his album title as my post’s.
I apologise for doing this to you readers, but this morning I woke feeling truly awful. I’m not sure what I dreamt about but it obviously wasn’t very pleasant. The saddest thing is though, I’m trying so hard to get over all of this but it’s not helping. Every day I feel worse than before, every day I feel like breaking down and not get up. I never ever thought that the person I love so dear in this world would do something so crude and hurtful. Then again, you never really know people now do you?
I don’t know what all of this means. I don’t know which path to take now: the end all ties, the just be friends or the let’s see if this could work out. It’s really not easy having something so hurtful done to you and hear “I love you” coming from the same person’s mouth. I really don’t understand how those two are correlated.
For all those hurting right now because of other people’s mindless, selfish, resentful actions, hang in there. Hopefully the sun will shine in you life once again in the future.
Over and out.
- reddevilandy10
Musical Memoirs
Readers, I admit, I’ve given you guys a ton of depressing crap to read these past two weeks. So I thought, “Hey, you know what? You deserve better!” So, instead of telling the story of my life, I’m dwelling on the insignificantly sad and morbid details that’s only half of my life. I’m over that now. Time for a cheer!
Remember last night when I said that I turn to music in times of need and suggested a list of songs I couldn’t seem to let go of this week? Well, I thought I would carry on with this theme, only this time, mentioning the music that brings back memories of all the awesome times I’ve spent with the amazing people in my life!! Interested? Then read on…
Track #1: “Infinity” by Guru Josh Project
In 2008, Matric year, this track lit up MTV, Trace and yes, even Channel-O, like a bunch of Eskom employees putting their lighters up to Umshini Wam. Music channels all over the globe could not stop airing the video, and, who could forget a video like that? I mean, there’s definitely something incredibly hot about a bad ass girl in lingerie knocking down a wall with a sledge-hammer. Seriously, it doesn’t get better than that.
Anyway, I can’t possibly forget all those nights in Claremont with my friends, and this track always made it on the playlist. Even though the lyrics made absolutely no sense at all, it was somewhat, addictive. It was deservedly the king of all dance anthems for a few months, and what a reign it was. I still listen to it now and then.
Track #2: “Unbelievable” by Craig David
The most girly track on my list, this song was basically the theme song for my ex and I. The days of playing tracks on meager 20MB Samsung mobiles, with my girlfriend relaxing between my legs, using my knees as arm rests. My hands always smelt like peaches after she tried to smooth out the wrinkles in them. I used to love spending my breaks with her.
There wasn’t another place in the world I would have rather been back then, than with her. The song itself symbolized exactly what I felt for her, and even though it was way back in 2006, when I was but a wee little boy, it was real. Too bad our relationship ended a few times and after that, neither one of us could handle the song without throwing up just a little in our mouths. When I hear the song now though, I still think of her, how I miss her and how I wish that certain things just never happened. But, it also reminds me of how much she has helped me grow as a person. I am forever grateful Sunshine.
Track #3: “Right Now (Na Na Na)” by Akon
Aah! It was the 17th January 2009. My friend, Shane had just turned 18 and we wanted to give him the greatest coming-of-age birthday night ever! So, as good friends would do, we took him to the premier nightlife spot in Cape Town, commonly known as Long Street. Oh yes we did! We started the evening off at Baghdad’s (yes, that’s the name of an actual lounge – awesome, huh?) where we bought him his birthday drink – that’s an altogether different story – ended up at Stones and then back at B’s.
When we returned though, we heard a song. But, it wasn’t just any song, readers, it was the song of the moment. And, at 3.45am, 15 minutes before B’s was due to close, all of us ran downstairs from the bird’s nest to the empty dancefloor, and we danced our [expletive] asses off. Right Now, at that moment (no pun intended), was the greatest party track ever. Sadly though, we got kicked out of B’s a few minutes later. We all still wanted tequila shots. Then again, looking back at it all, Shaney boy was pretty smashed already! Just kidding bra! Hope you had an awesome night!
Track #4: “One Love” (full album) by David Guetta
Last Summer, which in Cape Town lasts from about November to March, my friends and I experienced what is now known, as David Guetta Fever, or DGF. A condition associated with pumping out French-based house beats in a white Nissan Sentra and Camps Bay’s long, white beach. It’s amazing how every time I listen to a track off this album now, I can still feel those rays of sunlight on my face, that cool wind through my then-long hair and the sound of that little 1.6 litre engine as it tried as hard as it could to haul all five of our asses up Kloof Nek. It’s magical!
The best memory though, was of Valedictory Day 2009. It involved Dean piloting the late great Nissan Sentra, Gabs sitting shotgun and finishing her knitting assignment for college and Shane and I at the back, being chauffeured around. Can you guess what album was playing for the rest of the day? Yes. One Love baby! We spent one awesome day on Clifton 4th beach, and then left as the sun set over the water. Was truly a great day! (See the photos I took here Matric 2009 Valedictory, Clifton 4th Beach)
Of course, this album affected us all Summer; so naturally, the symptoms of DGF were quite bad at Springboks for the remaining Thursday nights of the season – even at Galaxy that one really crazy week! Memories slowly became our anthem. When Love Takes Over was another group favourite, but that was even more overplayed than Infinity. And then, Toyfriend was given its chance to shine! Awesome album. My homesickness remedy at the moment, but it tends to distract me when I work. I wonder why.
Track #5 & #6: “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas & “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga
Okay, now, I know what you’re thinking: “How the hell can the two of the most overplayed songs in history carry one significantly special memory along with it?” Readers, believe me when I tell you, this was one insane night. Possibly the best I have ever had at Springboks.
That evening, my two love interests shattered me, it was officially my last party in Cape Town until June, and I had no wish to leave my hometown just yet. Needless to say, I needed some release therapy. My friends and I took residence on a balcony bench outside the club for most of the night. There, we just chatted, mainly about my girl problems and then about Dean’s. And when we finally decided to come in due to the rain, the tracks began to pump. Now, I’m not one to start a movement, but sure as hell five minutes later we were all jumping up and down in a circle shouting “Tonight was a [expletive] [expletive] night!” Yes. I started it. Just like MC Hammer started the Running Man. Yeah, I am that good.
And if you think that was all… it wasn’t. We ended up doing all the actions to Bad Romance after that. With my sister waiting outside, we decided to stay until it ended. And believe me, those ten minutes made that night worthy of a place among the best of my life! My friends are just awesome!
Track #7: “Wonderful World” by James Morrison
But performed however, by Sarah-Jane and Angelo Thomas. A mighty fine rendition I must add. It took place over the two-week holiday I had back in Cape Town last month. My friends and I finally decided to see Sarah and her brother live at Cafe Sofia in Greenpoint. I even remember the weather that day: a crispy, fresh sea breeze blew across the city and there wasn’t so much as a cloud in the sky. It was a beautiful evening. And as my friends and I took seats near the middle of the restaurant, my eyes met another pair of gorgeous big round gleaming chocolatey-brown ones. When the lyrics from Wonderful World began to roll off her lips, I couldn’t help but sing along!
And what made that night even more memorable: we all slept over at Shane’s, ordered McDonald’s at 3am and went to the 9am Good Friday church service the next morning. Or, at least I did anyway! It was also the night in which we began the Neighborhood Pool League – yes, yet another post altogether!
Track #8: “Again” by John Legend
It was the night of my going-away braai, before I left for Grahamstown, and my friends and I were relaxing outside around the fire with SoCo & Lime in hand, listening to some great music on my PC. Now, I was happy, but there was one person missing from that braai, and I was waiting for her, patiently. Eventually, she phoned me. “Andy, where’s your house again?” Lol. Well, eventually she found it with the help of a barefoot board-shorts clad homeless-looking dude running down the street trying to direct her. I’m not saying who that guy was.
After supper, we were all pretty emotional. Fire and alcohol does weird things to people, I swear. But anyway, she was sitting next to me, her legs somehow entangled with mine, my head resting on the near arm of my chair, her fingers running through my hair. Then this song came on, which created one unforgettable moment. As I looked up at her, there was a twinkle in her eyes, and it wasn’t just the fire’s reflection on them, nope. It was as if she really, really, really wanted to stay like that with me forever. A few minutes later, just like that, her parents arrived. She went home. And me? Well, Bevan, Tash, Dean and I spent most of the morning sitting by the fire, watching the stars and braaing chops and sausage. I, though, felt like I let go of something I wasn’t ever going to get back. And guess what? I was right.
This song always reminds me of her now.
Track #9: “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira and Wyclef Jean
Yep! It was 2007 and my issues were pretty real back then already. But, there was this one girl I used to confide in. Her name was Natalie, and she was awesome. When Shakira decide to release this song, everyone tried to shake their hips as she does in the video. Not many could, but Natalie was the exception. It scared the crap out of the guys at first but then, it just seemed to put us all in a trance. She even made me download the song in class to my phone so that she could show us all. It was seriously fun times!! I haven’t spoken to her in ages. Strange how relationships just form one day and die the next.
She gave me Shakira’s album, Oral Fixation, as a gift that year. It was really adorable. Now, every time I hear a track off it, I think of her. By the way, Nats, if you ever read this, I apologise for dumping all my problems on you. It wasn’t a cool thing of me to do.
Track #10: “Everytime We Touch” by Cascada
Back in 2006, a bunch of guys and girls came together and put on a fashion show at Wynberg Boys High. I swear, I walked out of that hall deaf, depressed and, looking back on it now, an ass.
A girl who I failed to introduce to Shane took up half of his seat that night. I don’t think he’s forgiven me yet actually. Anyway, during one of the scenes, the biggest song of 2006′s Summer came on. At that moment, everyone got up (I kid you not – remember this was a fashion show) and started dancing. And yes, I repeat: it was a fashion show. Pretty damn insane! That place was bouncing.
Of course, what I remember most about that night, was how I made an ass of myself in front of Dean’s parents. It was one of the first meetings and, like a fool, I whipped out my full Kaapse-taal heritage. Looking back now, I’m really glad I’ve improved on that first impression. I’m even considered family now!! I mean, I am family!!
And that’s the great thing about most of these memories: I’ve shared them with truly special people, who I hope I’ll have the pleasure of making even more memories with in the future.
I hope you have enjoyed this little insight into the more pleasant side of my life!! There’s a lot more than this 2000 word post to come in the upcoming weeks! Trust me.
Until then, I’m out!
- reddevilandy10
The Rough Patch
The scene: you’ve just been told some horribly shocking news by your now-former partner, your now-former boss or, oh, and I like this one a lot, your now-former masseuse! What do you do??
I tell you what I would do: find the nearest bottle store, buy the cheapest Stroh rum or vodka you can find, slap on some Kenny G and/or other highly depressing music and drink those [expletive] sorrows away. Pass out. Forget who you are for a while. Or even better, become a completely different and more erratic version of yourself.
Mmm… ja. That’s what irresponsible me would do. But I’m hardly ever irresponsible nowadays, and it sucks ass!
There used to be a time in my life when I’d piss my parents off, hit on random girls and have casual nights out forgetting their faces in the morning whilst waking to find a bottle of Martell half drunk beside my pillow. Mmm… ja. I’m still talking shit. I’ve never been “that guy”.
Watching How I Met Your Mother makes me realise how wasteful I’m being with my life. (By the way, stay tuned for my best episodes of HIMYM post, coming soon!!) My role models, although on opposite sides of the spectrum, Ted and Barney, are in their thirties and living it up! If I really want to be happy, I should start now! Should I not?
One thing I truly admire about Ted though, is how he always bounces back from a relationship. He may have a few beers, as such, but he gets right back out there and makes full use of his time. Me on the other hand, shit, I just love to get hurt it seems. I’m like the real life equivalent of the “melancholy figure” in Romantic literature — and by Romantic, I mean the literary era, not that perceived fuzzy feeling you get when you hear the sound of a toilet flushing. No, not that.
Spoiler alert: and this information is pretty damn personal so readers, feel appreciative of all I’m about to say…
I’ve had two meaningful relationships, the one began in the wee-years of high school, the other, in between the months I wasn’t with the first girl. I’ve had a few splatterings of perceived love too, which one of them, was on the brink of working out until somehow my male senses of “kill first, ask later” seemed to have just died, somewhere. I didn’t make a move. The last time I was in a relationship was the last time I wrote an exam… all the way back to December 2008. Can you freaking believe that?? I can’t. I really can’t.
The major problem I face is… do I fold or do I hold what I have? Because believe it or not, the wee-years of high school girl I was going on about, is still on my mind. I shouldn’t really call her that. Let’s call her “the beginning”.
The funny thing is, aren’t beginnings meant to be ended? Don’t all beginnings somehow come to an end?? Why does this beginning keep on recurring. It’s not something that I’m complaining about, it’s just, does this girl really love me? And is her love, if she does love me, perceived or real?
As you can see, I’m not going through the most simple, trouble-free phase of my life at the moment. I’m far away from friends, family, the people that truly matter in my life. I miss Cape Town with all it’s loving and extraordinary people. I miss enjoying life!!! Grahamstown is just work, work work, bad news, work, work, bad news. And when I said life was simpler down here than it is back home, shit, was I deluded.
Reader, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be in this life. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to do, who I’m supposed to be with. I am really really clueless, and frankly, I don’t know where the answers will come from. Whether they will fall from the sky one rainy April afternoon, who knows?
All I truly know is: when I feel like shit, I open my playlist and listen to my favourite songs. A few I can’t seem to get out of my head this week are:
“Let Me Go” by 3 Doors Down (by the way, Janet, I’d love it if you could perform this song with your bro when I’m back home!)
“Half Of My Heart” by John Mayer and Taylor Swift
“Look What You’ve Done” by Jet
“Ironic” by Alanis Morissette
“The Scientist” by Coldplay
“Look What You’ve Done” by Jet
And a few others which I really don’t feel like mentioning right this instant.
Oh well, that was basically everything on my mind, just presented for all to see. And you know what, I love divulging my thoughts to the world, especially in writing. Because I know, that I’m not the only [expletive] on the planet who’s going through a Rough Patch. If I can help someone out there, my work as being a writer is pretty much, done.
Until tomorrow, when the [expletive] Internet is faster,
- reddevilandy10
It’s Not Nice To Hurt, Is It?
Oh boy. What a confusing week this one has turned out to be. And yes, I’m supposed to be writing a 2 000 word Psych essay at the moment, but I’m taking a break. Don’t judge. It’s not nice.
Anyway, I really thought that this week would be different, but nope, it was probably even worse than last week. Reason? Well, that I can’t divulge, it’s a bit too personal. All I can say is, people are never who they seem to be, no matter how long you’ve known them or how long you have been in love with them. Weird, isn’t it?
I’m feeling a strange sense of peace though. Almost as if some higher being is helping me deal with this. Could that be you, God? I sincerely hope so. But, in a way, I guess this feeling is a result of inevitability. I always assumed it would end up like this, and to be fair, one can only be hurt so many times before you become numb and oblivious to the pain. It’s as if I’m super-human now. Horribly so, I must add. Eventually you just run out of emotions. Happiness makes you depressed. Joy makes you weep. Anger brings you peace.
What I don’t understand however, is people’s strange desire to [expletive] things up before they realise what they truly want in life. I mean, I’ve been here all along. Did you not see me? Did you not take any notice whatsoever? Was I just some commodity in your life? And you know what the worst part about all of this is? I really loved her.
There’s a great song by 3 Doors Down entitled “Let Me Go”, and the chorus, which I couldn’t get out of my head, goes something like this:
“You love me but you don’t know who I am
I’m torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Let me go”
And I asked myself after listening to this song over and over today, is what I have real? Am I supposed to walk through this jungle and find something on the otherside? Or is this where the path ends for good? I don’t know for sure. But, right now, I feel like you really really did me wrong.
I forgive you though. And to be honest, I would feel even worse if I didn’t have you as a friend. What do you say? At least do this one thing for me.
Whatever your choice, I’ll respect it. I probably won’t understand, but, I can’t live your life for you. I only wished that I could have lived mine beside yours.
Sleep well.
- reddevilandy10
Recent Comments