The Little House on the Hill
I was in Kalk Bay earlier this evening. For the uninitiated, it is a small suburb about 35km South of Cape Town’s city centre. I drove my sister to the house she’ll be taking care of for the next two weeks or so. I’ve been there before, but today it seemed like an entirely different building. (more…)
It’s Beginning To Feel A Lot Like Christmas!
SUMMER VACATION EDITION
Christmas Day
First of all, Merry Christmas to all my readers and may you have the most wonderful and blessed day ahead of you.
Secondly, it finally feels like Christmas!! After polishing the floors, making jelly and eggnog and dressing the tree, it’s Christmas! Thank God, because I was getting mighty worried about the lack of cheer. I’ve just come back from church and although it was a sung mass (I HATE SUNG SERVICES!) it was a good service, for more reasons than one. (more…)
And Then, There Were (Only) Three
I’m not feeling very, how could I say this, umm… Christmassy, today. Besides the She & Him album buzzing away silently in the distant ambience, it feels like yet another bland and ordinary Saturday. (more…)
Two Dream Weddings and a Fight
SUMMER VACATION EDITION
5 days till Christmas
With my bedroom air smelling of citronella incense and my blood flowing with nerve-numbing chemicals, this is bound to be a short post.
Today was not the greatest 24 hours of my life. From sunrise to beyond sunset my mind has been saturated with stifling musings of people past and present, next year’s extremely steep college requirements and other food for thought from my ever-so-subtle father. (more…)
Photos Between Friends
College is lonely time in one’s life. Other than the weekendly binge drinking sessions or the lecture before a big exam, you’re completely abandoned. It’s a solitary, desolate, 
hopeless business. When alone though, you seem to have so much extra time to think. You think about the future, the past, the present. You think about what you’re really trying to accomplish, or where your degree will get you in life. You think, “Is this really something I’m going to enjoy doing?” And, you think about the people who’ve become mere photographs stuck by reversed sticky tape to your dorm room walls, who you’ll only see for a few days in between months of terms. Both friends and family.
I love looking at these photographs though. I enjoy the expressions of everyone captured, almost as if the moment is still living, just frozen. Anyway, I just thought I’d share one of my favourite photographs of my friends with you today – I’m pretty sure my family hates pictures of themselves on the Internet. Oh well…
This was taken in 2008. It was the Matric (last year of school) farewell, and for some reason we were all shouting as loud as we could. I’m not sure why, but I just love how it captures the absolute joy at making it through twelve long years of school. It was a really great night. I guess my only regret was not knowing too much about ISO settings back then. My camera actually broke after the night because I snapped so many photos. The shop I got it from replaced it though. But damn, I miss those days.
High school was easy. Life, is so much harder now and there’s no sign of it easing off…
Easter Weekend 2011: Good Friday
Good Friday – a day of reverence, reflection and respect in the Christian church, usually regarded by me as the most depressing day of the year. I suppose, looking at it now, there has to be a low point in the joyous Easter celebrations. I remember how important this day was growing up.
I was born into the Anglican doctrine, and never had a say in what I considered my religion, until now. My dad would make pickled fish, a traditional Cape Malay Easter dish, sometime during the week so the entire house would always smell of fish and vinegar – not my favourite. I got used to it though. Maundy Thursday was never really regarded, although some of my family would go to church to have their feet washed. I wouldn’t and still wouldn’t let anyone touch my feet. By this time, oven-browned syrupy hot-cross buns would be the fixed diet, which I had no problem with, whatsoever! Good Friday followed, and was a day of total sombreness. Boredom. Blandness. Melancholy. I hated Good Friday. Church would be from midday until three, when it was believed that Christ finally died on the cross. My ass would be dead at the end of the service. I just couldn’t sit still, and used to excuse myself to sit outside in the church grounds, basking in the comforting Autumn sunshine. Some elder would chase me back in though; short-lived, but just enough to keep me from banging my head against the pew in front. Good Friday is normally a fast day, but we wouldn’t really be forced into it by our parents, much to my sister’s delight at the full plates of pickled fish and hot-cross buns at every meal. They loved the stuff. I wasn’t so keen; perhaps I just wasn’t cultured enough back then, not totally understanding the heritage it carries with it. I’m missing in now though. I’ve decided to boycott lunch as pita bread and stir-fried chicken strips just seems way too odd to be eaten today. I’m not religious, I just like tradition. My tradition.
The great celebration would always come on Easter Sunday. The church service used to be an hour earlier, so everyone would get up at 07h30 – crap early for me on a public holiday. Sometimes, I’d be tempted to wear a shirt and smart shoes, but usually, I just wear whatever I fancy – jeans, hoodie, boots. Church is full on Easter – the people who normally only come for Christmas, would be there too, so finding somewhere to sit when coming in late is near impossible. We’d come home, trade chocolate, eat more pickled fish and hot cross buns, and visit the rest of the family. I wouldn’t normally see my friends over the Easter weekend at all though; they spend time with their families too after all. Easter was always one of my favourite days of the year. We would always go out the day after, for a picnic, or scenic drive, or spend some time at the beach, depending on the weather. And then, when the Tuesday comes, it’s back to work. Back to the shitty, roundabout lifestyle that everyone seems so stuck in you can barely see their heads poking out.
Easter Weekend was always a chance for me, and the rest of my family, to take a break from work and outside pressures, from the things we take for granted, like each other. I wish I could be home now, but unfortunately, I cannot. This is the first Easter Weekend I spend completely alone. I miss them.
Have a sombre Good Friday everyone.
- reddevilandy10
Easter Weekend 2011: Maundy Thursday
So, it begins. Today, Maundy Thursday, as it is known in the Christian church, marks the beginning of my long, six-day-weekend. Six days of reading, blogging and well, sleeping, marked by random bursts of essay-writing and tutorial-completing. Speaking of tutorials… I seem to have (accidentally – blame the idiot who drew up our timetable) missed two English tutorials. I’m waiting to see what will become of it, but for now, I lay in my bed, warm, snug, happy.
It’s so cold here today. I wrote a test this morning and I swear I could feel my heartbeat in my face. My toes were dead, my fingers were turning blue and this paper had three ten-plus mark questions in it – which I totally lost all consciousness of, and wrote a splattering of ill-produced word-vomit. Really, that was really bad word vomit… some of it, well, most of it made no sense at all. I might as well have drawn pictures all over.
Anyhow, I’m really looking forward to being alone, completely alone this weekend. I will, obviously, miss my friends and family though. This will be the first Easter I spend away from home I think. My friends are going home and elsewhere; some to Jeffrey’s Bay, a little (world-famous) surfing hotspot about 150km south-west of Grahamstown, for the weekend. I was going join, but the idea of camping, and waking up cold, miserable, stressed because no work is being done, and dirty, doesn’t really appeal to me. It’s probably nothing of the sorts, however, I still can’t rid myself of that mental image. I have quite a bit of work to do though. English essay, history essay, history test, psychology practical report, crap… I forgot the rest. Anyway, my to-do list is more like a to-do scroll now. I need to dent it before it dents me. And I know what happens when you let work slowly creep up behind you; I know all too well from last year. Journalism was such a bitch.
Anyway, I wish all my readers a very happy Easter Weekend! For those in South Africa, enjoy the six-day weekend too!
- reddevilandy10
Cape Town, It’s Been Fun!
Cape Town is the most amazing place to grow up. Filled with, not only the beauty of people but nature too, it is truly a city apart. As you all know, I don’t spend much time there anymore. With academic commitments in Grahamstown (my current estimated destination), I spend a meager month or two home per year. Those few days I’m gifted with though, is all I feel I need. Every time I come home, I learn something new – be it about myself, life in general or just random non-useful information. This vacation, I’ve learnt how immensely important everyone in my life is to me. My friends are the bedrock of my confidence in my abilities, actions and even this blog. Without them, I would not be who I am today. I could credit them with so much of my maturation, of me “finding myself”. I am forever grateful and indebted for their presence in my life. Not to mention my family, who’s love and support have always helped me through many hard times – finally leaving Cape Town for one.
Regrettably, I leave them all behind tonight – for now. In a few weeks, I’ll be home again, sharing my new experiences, hopes, dreams, accomplishments all over again – and making more truly unforgettable memories to add to my extensive mental scrapbook. I love you all. See you all in June, and thank you for being there for me.
From Cape Town, this is reddevilandy10.
PS: In my mind I’m still hugging you. I love you anf baby especially. You’re always in my thoughts, and always will be.
The Mother of All Cities
Apologies for the lack of cohesive language – I’m tired, sick and pretty scatterbrained. You’ll understand!
A breath here fills your lungs with rich, ocean air. The tap water tastes of mountain streams and gushing rivers. The views of the ocean, mountains and buildings are simply surreal. The people greet on every corner, and are proud, so proud of their hometown. Yes, I’m back home in Cape Town. But only for a week. It is however awesome to see my family again! Wow I’ve missed my mom and sisters and dad so much!
Although, what a week we have lined up it must be said. I’m here for a remaining seven days, and seven days of awesomeness it shall be. My friends visited me today, and this is the lineup as of yesterday:
Tomorrow: Spur 2-for-1 special
Tuesday: Movies Night
Wednesday: Possible braai; Aunty’s birthday.
Thursday: Claremont clubbing (Boks, Tiger Tiger, Tantra)
Friday: My Dad gets back from Port Elizabeth.
Saturday: My last official day of vacation.
Sunday: Pack up and leave at 18h00.
Monday: Grahamstown at 09h00 in the wee hours of the morning, tutorials at 16h00.
Sound good? Yeah it does. This is a rough draft though. Friday and Saturday must still be planned but we’ll see what happens. Anyhow, it was great seeing my friends again. Things change so much in a short space of time. Apparently, they hardly see the other members of our little group. It’s strange but whenever a member leaves, the group somewhat falls apart. Like we all keep each other together – like a jigsaw puzzle.
Sigh. I’ve come to realise that it’s not just me having a difficult time, we all are. Some of my friends going through exactly what I’m going through. It was great seeing them. Really. I’ve missed them so much. I’ve become so attached to all of them, they’re like family now. And I know that sentence gets thrown around often but I really mean it. I would weep like a thunderstorm if I should loose any of them – to another city or continent or anything.
I’m feeling really shitty, like I’m getting sick. It’s probably because of the bus, which is not the most hygienic of places either. I gotta get my sleep so this is me signing off again!!
Lost Puppy Syndrome: The Reprise
For some reason, now more than ever during this past month, I have this intense desire to go home. I sat in the dining hall earlier, meal unbooked for some reason, no plate in front of me, just thinking. And thinking. I’m thinking right now. Right now my mind is in a different plane of reality, trying to find some sort of comfort in what has become a cesspool of despondence. I didn’t wake up feeling like this; I wish I had, at least then I could attribute it to some dream I had the previous night. Emotions have a way of sneaking up on you when preoccupied though, much like the clouds and rain today have pinched the sky during the night to the dismay of the morning sun.
I believe that I participate in way too much personal reflection. Every minute of everyday I’m thinking of myself – whether I’m happy or not, whether my jeans matches my t-shirt, whether there is a piece of bird shit in my hair – sometimes, obviously, completely irrelevant. I think these feelings are just another symptom of my overpopulated mind; a place where reality and perception fights ferociously, eternally for supremacy, neither ever seeming to win. I wish reality would just win, instead, the thoughts in my head constitute a cloud of “ifs” and “maybes” and “buts”, all ideas that lend themselves to worry, regret and irreversible circumstances.
Still, even if reality did win, it would beckon me home for my birthday, for Easter. I miss my family and friends inexplicably. I yearn for comfort, for stability in my life, for confidence. But all those seem to elude me, as hard as I may try to be who I want.
Let me take my leave, as I can babble on about whatever it is that has killed my drive for everything today, but have shit to do. Reality’s shit.
- reddevilandy10
Seven Hundred Kilometres
Today has been pretty intense. Saying goodbye to my best friends, a new one, family, Cape Town and finally having to leave home again, is not the easiest of things to do.
We’ve just stopped in a little town called Heidelberg, about 200km from Cape Town and 700km from Grahamstown. I asked my parents to surprize me on the drink they intended to buy… Out came a Fanta grape. Figured. I know them way too well.
Anyhow, we’re on our way again. Moving on. Much like how we’re all forced to sometimes. I’m going to try to get some sleep, maybe dream a bit. That would be nice.
The Summer School
These past 70 days have sped by, much like an 18-wheeler whose driver has fallen asleep without the knowledge that he is about to plummet a few thousand metres to his most gruesome death. Even though I hardly had a chance to fully embrace all of it as I had intended, I still learnt a great deal about myself, people and most importantly, life. Here are just a few of the ideologies I have stumbled upon.
- Friends are your most appreciated commodity. Family are your most valued.
- When faced with a dilemma that has a typically logical and illogical answer, go with your instincts, not your brain.
- Time is and never will be on your side.
- Parents have seen and done everything that you have or ever will before, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make the forewarned mistakes yourself.
- Should you ever fall in love with your friend, tell them. Your friendship will somehow strengthen that much more.
- Being honest is critical, but lying can sometimes be that much more important.
- The most obvious answer to an issue is not usually the correct one.
- Distance is the ultimate relationship killer. Sometimes though, distance is exactly what’s needed.
- Your family are always there for you, regardless of how severe your problem is.
- Somethings cannot be learnt; you just somehow know exactly what to do.
- Life is extremely erratic, ephemeral and unpredictable. If you have to do something, do it now. You may not be alive another moment longer.
- As George Carlin said before, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
- Take many, many photographs. Write many, many stories. Keep a journal of all the notable moments in your life.
- Ask for advice, but do not assume that everything you hear is what you should do.
- There is more to one’s life that his or her actions dictates.
- Laugh at yourself once in a while. It not only keeps you modest, but also helps you to let go of the past.
- And with that said… Never let your past dictate your future. Only apply the valuable information gained in the past into your life now, so that you don’t do the same damn things again.
Those are all I can think of for now. I’ll probably forget most of these, but here lies a mantra to help you decipher the code of life. Enjoy!
- reddevilandy10
Beautiful Cape Town
Today was one of the most beautiful days in Cape Town in recent memory. Forcasted to be 36 degrees Celsius and above, it never really felt that hot. The coastline was in pristine condition; shimmering turquoise water cascading over granite boulders dotted along the beach. My family and I decided to go on a little round trip of the peninsula today as a result of the weather, and wow, was it amazing. Just look at this for a view.
Llandudno, a little seaside suburb on Cape Town's Atlantic Seaboard, is one of the most beautiful and expensive places to live in the world.
Anyhow, I’m awfully tired tonight. Just had my friends over for a bit of banter and stuff. All the sun today has gotten me completely drained! By the way, this is post number 150!
To all those who read this blog, thank you for following! I prithee you shall stay for the next 150! Until then, it’s been fun!
reddevilandy10
Christmas Through My Eyes
Okay then. So, we’re finally here. Christmas Eve. The day before the “big celebration”. The day that the tree gets its trim. The day that last-minute shopping is done. The day we all go to Midnight Mass before Christmas morning. But, for some reason this year, I’m not feeling Christmas as much as I should be
When I was younger (much younger), I’d regard Christmas as more important than my birthday. It was the only day of the year that everyone enjoyed, that everything was special, that everything was a happy event. Nowadays, however, it’s just one mad unemotional rat race. It’s lost its essence, its charisma. Christmas is not Christmas for me any longer.
Yeah, I suppose. it does feel like a special day at certain moments: like the family eating lunch together or opening up the presents together, well, basically just doing things as a family. But it’s starting to feel more like a chore than an actual privilege. So sad.
Anyhow, readers, not to depress you further, I’m off. I have Midnight Mass tonight at 22h30, and I need to trim the tree (alone) before that. It’s great that we still have our live tree – a little Cedarberg pine – she’s about six years old now. But yeah, that’s all from me. Over and out.
By the way, Merry Christmas Eve all.
- reddevilandy10
Unexplainable Unhappiness
Most of the people in my life are silently depressed. They go about life as if everything is fine, but behind their facade lingers pain, anger, remorse, hatred, self-loathing, heartache. I know, I’m partly one of them. I hate myself. I’m one of those who tries to hide these feelings, because I know people regard me as a melancholic, gloomy person. I see it in people’s eyes when they look at me. I understand though. I understand why others would look at another with such prejudice and misconceptions, especially if their lives are deemed self-fulfilling, perfect and complete. They can’t comprehend how I feel. And, as a result of these misunderstandings, I feel more and more alone and alienated each day.
Although, the support and unrequited love I receive from family and friends on a daily basis, I’m still cold and numb. I want gratification, not just love. Not just embraces or smiles. I want to feel as though I am meant to be here; I want to know that my birth was not just another unexplained anomaly of creation.
I’ve realised why I talk about Grahamstown so much among family and friends; why I say that I’d rather be there than here; why I constantly compare the two. It’s because Grahamstown is my piece of personal, unique, untainted experience. It’s mine to tell. I want to tell it. And I want the people in my life to be proud of me for it. That’s a reason why I keep this blog. Yes, it’s a personal journal for me, but when others read about my thoughts, experiences, journeys, ideas, shortcomings, triumphs, I feel as though people are interested in my life. I’m not just there, owning life, but I’m here too, through my words. Grahamstown is mine. And that is why I talk about it so much. No one else can claim to have experienced it. It makes me special. And clearly, that’s quite possibly the only fucking thing that distinguishes me from the rest of the people I know.
As I write this, I wonder how I will ultimately find some kind of direction, some kind of help. I don’t know, maybe divine intervention or something. But, while I’m home, I feel the furthest away from myself that I can feel. Utterly lost, alone and clueless about what I must be doing with all this wasted time and space.
“Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath”- “Amsterdam” by Coldplay.
- reddevilandy10
The Puppy’s Furrow
Somehow I knew this would happen. I was so keen to go home, to finally be with all my loved ones. To see my friends. My family. To see Table Mountain and feel the sea breeze. But, right now, this moment, I miss Grahamstown. I miss all my new friends. I miss being able to walk everywhere. I miss the fact that your friends are right next door to you, literally, if you should need them. I miss it!
I don’t know why. I’m really happy to be home, but still, I have this horrible empty feeling here, almost as if I left the rest of myself there. These holidays to me, are starting to feel like one big waste of time. I’m not working. I’m not doing anything constructive, per se, although I am actually posting the first blog post in a while. Progress? I think not.
I have my Grahamstown 2010 playlist on repeat. It isn’t helping one bit. It’s just making me think of the insane year that I’ve had. From hitting rock bottom, and then having the most incredible second semester, to being melancholy and depressed now… I just can’t take this shit anymore.
I understand that my friends here do actually work, and yes, they cannot do things all the time. I can’t even do things all the time… I’m so close to being under the poverty line it’s not even funny… so it’s understood. But even then, Cape Town is just such an expensive place to live. I feel like I’m part of the problem. Sending me to Grahamstown is not cheap. My parents are probably in way over their heads, and being home just makes me feel as though I’m getting in the way.
I’m pretty much in the middle of yet another rut in my life. Yes, another one. I feel seriously unhappy. Screw life. I hate it.
Issues Issues
Well, my first full day back in Cape Town was, pretty great. I spent most of it with the family and friends. Ironically, I actually went to church… and needed my assistance and technological prowess to sort out a bit of a computer issue.
The real interest of today was all the stories that came out, of both friends and family, but more friends. I’m amazed at how things can just change in three months. I wasn’t gone for that long, and here I feel as if I have missed out on a great deal of happenings. I guess that that’s one of the sacrifices that not only I am making by being in Grahamstown. Sigh… I have a lot of work to do in the following few years of my life.
Anyhow, the real reason for this post is to notify you that from this point on, I will be letting friends and acquaintances guest post on my blog, just as a little social experiment. I will be posting the “Fails of 2010″ post very, very soon (yes Luke, I didn’t forget), and I also want to post at least one post a day for the next three months, just as a record of my Summer 2010 vacation!
Until next time, later, I’m off to bed! Still so drained from that drive home.
- reddevilandy10
“Worth A Thousand Words”
Post Location: The usual Grahamstown venue.
Weather: Chilly, but not ridiculously cold.
Mood: Peachy, not too upset about anything.
I Feel Like…: Wasting time running around Cape Town making memories.
Song of the Day: “Daughters” by John Mayer.
Okay, so day three of the last term is over. I have taken down more notes in the four lectures today than at any other time in my short college career, I have attended every class… albeit half of English, and I plan to have a hardcore study session after this. On track? Yes indeed. These days will definitely be the cornerstone of my success, or well, my path to it, at least.
Anyway, the real point of this post was to elaborate on this one pondering I had yesterday…
Just how powerful are photographs? Or pictures, freeze-frames of time itself containing a symbolic meaning?
They mean so much more than words, don’t they? They’re incredible. I just saw at a picture of myself and a few (highly regarded and fondly loved) people back in high school and it brought back such vivid recollections. It isn’t always such a good thing though, I mean, you could bring back a really bad memory. Especially after you have tried so hard to bury that thought deep within your depository.
But, you know, sometimes being the better person is being able to submerge those reemerging feelings and emotions, take a step back, breathe, and let it go. It is, after all, over. It is a memory, a very bad one, that needs to be destroyed. It will be in due course. It just takes time.
The good photographs though, like the countless Christmas albums my family capture annually, those are the ones you hold on to. Those memories and emotions should be the driving force behind everything you do. It’s pointless living for yourself, solely for yourself, but life is worth so much more when you live for others. Especially for those who you love.
Everyone has that one thing that they’re live for. What is yours?
Term Four: The Final Stretch
Post Location: From my laptop. on my desk in my Smuts room, Grahamstown.
Weather: Extremely cold; clear; just above 10 degrees Celsius.
Mood: Tired but in a good frame of mind; determined.
I Feel Like…: Sitting at La Med with my friends, watching the sun set behind the ocean with a pina coloda in my hand.
Song of the Day: See below.
Having been at home this past week, it gave me a chance to catch up with the people who colour my life so vibrantly. Those who are always there for me, yes, even when I claim that they are not, I was deeply mistaken. The inspiration I have taken from those four days I got to spend with my friends and family will hopefully help me get through these next twelve weeks. The following twelve weeks will be the most crucial of my life thus far.
I begin examinations in eight weeks time, with one swot week in between, and three exam-state weeks in which I write six very important papers. Yep, so basically one could say that those three weeks will be the most important.
Anyway, getting back to my one week vacation – it really helped me refocus on why I am here. I figured that if I can get past this year, or more accurately this term, I basically have this degree wrapped up with a silver bow on it. I just need to graft for the next few weeks. I have realised that in the end, once I’m done with all this bullshit, I will be able to do exactly as I wish. I could work a bit, get a car, pay my parents back for the astronomical amounts that they’ve dished out in sending my ass here, and yes, eventually get my parents and more accurately, my mom, that kitchen she has always wanted.
It’s going to take bottles and bottles of energy drink, packet after packet of chocolate and hundreds of tons of breakfast cereal, but in the end, it will amount to something – something great.
For now, my short-term goals include passing this semester – and thus, the year; getting a part-time during the December holidays, earn a little cash for the following year; going absolutely bonkers with my friends for those three months that I will be home for; try to cut down on the convulsive mood-swings that I have way too often to be considered normal.
This term, I will try to be less dramatic, more factual and exact with my posts and more understanding to what people feel when I mention them in my blog.
I will, however, not hesitate to include what I want in this journal, as it is semi-private nonetheless.
I do feel like adding something extra to this blog… so, with that said, this is my inaugural “Song of the Day”
“Photographs” by Jamie Cullum.
This song reminds me so much of my recorded memories with the people I love. The lyrics go something like this:
“When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
When I look back on my ordinary ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.”
And with that, I shall end. Friends, family, see you in November. Thank you for everything. Everything.
I Hate
BEWARE: This post may offend some sensitive readers. You have been warned. Reader discretion is advised.
Bear with me, because this post is not for the faint of heart or the reading enthusiasts. This is purely for my benefit, my ranting, my raving and my idea about my life.
I hate my life. I really just want to jump inside a coffin and bury myself. Shit, don’t ask my why I am so melancholic. I guess I just am underneath the layers of happy faces and cheerful giggles. I hate the course I’m doing, I hate the university I’m at, I hate the way I look when I get up in the mornings, I hate the way my jeans never fit me properly. I hate how girls never look at me. I hate how I’ve managed to mess up every single opportunity I’ve had with a girl. I hate the fact that my first love is with some other guy. I hate the book I’m forced to read. I hate my ugly face. I hate how happy the other people in my life are. I hate how my friends only ever talk to me when I rant and rave for their attention. I hate how I’m wasting my parents money by not knowing what the fuck I want to do with my life. I hate myself. I hate feeling pain every time I think of a failure. I hate the fact that I am unable to let go of shit in the past. I hate how I’m struggling to write the simplest of sentences now. I hate how complicated life has become. I hate how people in my life are so ephemeral. I hate how my friends are having an awesome time when I am not. I hate how shit never ever goes my way. I hate the fact that I am still alive. I hate how I can’t seem to find “God”. I hate the fact that “God” never seems to help with anything. I hate how people never understand how I’m feeling. I hate how some girls just use me as a stepping stone. I hate the fact that some girls are happier with other guys than they are with me. I hate how cynical I have become. I hate how I fail to enjoy anything in life anymore. I hate how I can’t seem to settle down into any sort of rhythm. I hate the fact that I still can’t play piano. I hate how people have so many gifts whereas my only one is verbal cursing. I hate how others’ gifts are ones that people love. I hate how I am not good enough for certain people. I hate how fake some people can be. I hate it when it gets so damn cold here at night. I hate the fact that I still can’t find a girl to love. I hate the fact that girls seem to look at me as if I’m alien. I hate how it never rains here. I hate how I’ve scuffed up my Le Coqs. I hate the fact that I’m getting older. I hate how I can’t flirt with younger girls now. I hate the fact that I’m nearly broke. I hate the fact that I don’t have a car. I hate the fact that I still have four years on this course. I hate the fact that UCT didn’t accept me. I hate how Rhodes told me that my acceptance was a mistake. I hate how I always get sick. I hate how awkward I always feel in a club. I hate the fact that I am just too afraid to do anything with my life. I hate how some people seem to be so happy, after doing jackshit for so long. I hate how some people seem to just get more and more. I hate how dusty my res room is. I hate the fact that my parents are paying for me to go to university. I hate the fact that my sister buys me clothes. I hate the fact that I need to do this course even though I don’t want to.
There’s so much more where that came from, I’m not finished…
The Art Of “Goodbye”
Sometimes saying goodbye can be a monumentally difficult task to complete. It is the end of all relationships and the temporary fissure of the next. This word is so powerful, yet it is flung around just as love, hate and the like.
I really hate having to do it. But inevitably, you always have to eventually. It’s exactly what life is about. Saying hello, saying goodbye.
One of those concepts I sincerely despise, but somehow, it is so very true.
The Last Of The Bad Posts
I’m not sure why I keep a blog. Maybe it’s because I like to let the world in to how I feel and the general ideas I hold on certain topics, or maybe I enjoy seeing and hearing people comment on my posts, about my writing ability or my honesty. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s for specific people who I subconsciously want to read it daily. The only finite idea is, no one completely understands me – at all.
I’ve said this before in a earlier post, but living a double life is not healthy – not for me anyway. Being away from home, things change constantly. When you return, things are entirely different. The home you once thought would always be secure turns into, well, a completely new city. People form new connections, and the distance apart doesn’t help keeping the existing one in check. Even seeing your family again after a while is awkward. I seriously hate it. I guess I’m starting to regret ever considering Grahamstown because of all this complication. I know that may be a pretty naive thing to say, but I’m not only talking about relationships here. Financially – it’s near impossible to work and study at the same time. You can’t afford to buy a vehicle yourself, you can hardly afford your damn groceries.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I just think how life pans out sometimes is extremely unfair.
Anyway, a very wise mommy suggested that I surround myself with positive things, and I will attract positive results in return. Well, I see no reason I shouldn’t give that a spin, considering that letting life win is just a waste of time. At least life’s bad times gives one material to write a post on, I guess.
Painful Apathy
It’s strange how a few months ago, I couldn’t see myself living without my family and parents. But now that I’m home, I feel as if I want to go back to Grahamstown and live independently, under my roof. I love them but they just smother me too much. My dad still thinks I’m ten-years-old. My mother is not that bad though. I appreciate her company, but my dad seems to have this unfading want to want to show me how to do everything. He nags and pushes even though I don’t like being forced to do things. It changes me. I become angry and erratic when cornered.
It’s shit how all of this turned out. I wish I had done my work experience in Grahamstown when I still had the chance. I wish I didn’t chicken out so often when I needed to do things. I really don’t like the person I am. I despise myself.
I just wish I was back in Grahamstown. I feel more at home there than I do here. Even though I’ll miss the one person who makes leaving Cape Town so hard. I wish I could take her with me. I hate that I have to leave her just as we rediscovered our spark.
I’m really not happy today. I just feel like weeping.
- reddevilandy10
The Rough Patch
The scene: you’ve just been told some horribly shocking news by your now-former partner, your now-former boss or, oh, and I like this one a lot, your now-former masseuse! What do you do??
I tell you what I would do: find the nearest bottle store, buy the cheapest Stroh rum or vodka you can find, slap on some Kenny G and/or other highly depressing music and drink those [expletive] sorrows away. Pass out. Forget who you are for a while. Or even better, become a completely different and more erratic version of yourself.
Mmm… ja. That’s what irresponsible me would do. But I’m hardly ever irresponsible nowadays, and it sucks ass!
There used to be a time in my life when I’d piss my parents off, hit on random girls and have casual nights out forgetting their faces in the morning whilst waking to find a bottle of Martell half drunk beside my pillow. Mmm… ja. I’m still talking shit. I’ve never been “that guy”.
Watching How I Met Your Mother makes me realise how wasteful I’m being with my life. (By the way, stay tuned for my best episodes of HIMYM post, coming soon!!) My role models, although on opposite sides of the spectrum, Ted and Barney, are in their thirties and living it up! If I really want to be happy, I should start now! Should I not?
One thing I truly admire about Ted though, is how he always bounces back from a relationship. He may have a few beers, as such, but he gets right back out there and makes full use of his time. Me on the other hand, shit, I just love to get hurt it seems. I’m like the real life equivalent of the “melancholy figure” in Romantic literature — and by Romantic, I mean the literary era, not that perceived fuzzy feeling you get when you hear the sound of a toilet flushing. No, not that.
Spoiler alert: and this information is pretty damn personal so readers, feel appreciative of all I’m about to say…
I’ve had two meaningful relationships, the one began in the wee-years of high school, the other, in between the months I wasn’t with the first girl. I’ve had a few splatterings of perceived love too, which one of them, was on the brink of working out until somehow my male senses of “kill first, ask later” seemed to have just died, somewhere. I didn’t make a move. The last time I was in a relationship was the last time I wrote an exam… all the way back to December 2008. Can you freaking believe that?? I can’t. I really can’t.
The major problem I face is… do I fold or do I hold what I have? Because believe it or not, the wee-years of high school girl I was going on about, is still on my mind. I shouldn’t really call her that. Let’s call her “the beginning”.
The funny thing is, aren’t beginnings meant to be ended? Don’t all beginnings somehow come to an end?? Why does this beginning keep on recurring. It’s not something that I’m complaining about, it’s just, does this girl really love me? And is her love, if she does love me, perceived or real?
As you can see, I’m not going through the most simple, trouble-free phase of my life at the moment. I’m far away from friends, family, the people that truly matter in my life. I miss Cape Town with all it’s loving and extraordinary people. I miss enjoying life!!! Grahamstown is just work, work work, bad news, work, work, bad news. And when I said life was simpler down here than it is back home, shit, was I deluded.
Reader, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be in this life. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to do, who I’m supposed to be with. I am really really clueless, and frankly, I don’t know where the answers will come from. Whether they will fall from the sky one rainy April afternoon, who knows?
All I truly know is: when I feel like shit, I open my playlist and listen to my favourite songs. A few I can’t seem to get out of my head this week are:
“Let Me Go” by 3 Doors Down (by the way, Janet, I’d love it if you could perform this song with your bro when I’m back home!)
“Half Of My Heart” by John Mayer and Taylor Swift
“Look What You’ve Done” by Jet
“Ironic” by Alanis Morissette
“The Scientist” by Coldplay
“Look What You’ve Done” by Jet
And a few others which I really don’t feel like mentioning right this instant.
Oh well, that was basically everything on my mind, just presented for all to see. And you know what, I love divulging my thoughts to the world, especially in writing. Because I know, that I’m not the only [expletive] on the planet who’s going through a Rough Patch. If I can help someone out there, my work as being a writer is pretty much, done.
Until tomorrow, when the [expletive] Internet is faster,
- reddevilandy10
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