The Realisation of Reality
“In certain trying circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity furnishes a relief denied even to prayer.“
- Mark Twain
Apologies for the last post readers. My blog is oftentimes used as a proverbial wall that my fist is furiously aimed towards. I’m calm now, I think. Well, at this moment, I’m calm.
For the most part of that post, I was upset… but the other, I was merely speaking for the millions of people who actually do feel the same way, every day, but say nothing. Sometimes all someone needs is a reassuring arm on their shoulder, accompanied with the words, “I understand.” There is a possibility that I have grown too attached to too many people, making traveling to and fro a headache, heartache and utter nightmare. I’m practicing letting go, but it’s not without its pitfalls and sinkholes.
My rest last night was, for the most part, spastic; every-so-often being interrupted by a dream. I hate how I struggle to remember my dreams the following day – I believe they actually shed some light as to what is truly rotting my core. I know though, at least one of them was about her. I guess I’m terrified of waking one morning to find that I’ve lost her, all traces and evidence of her ever being in my life vanished. That is my worst fear.
I fear it is slowly coming true. The longer I am here, the larger the gap between us becomes. There is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. It is what it is. Things happen as they must. I just have a hard time coming to terms with it.
The Summer School
These past 70 days have sped by, much like an 18-wheeler whose driver has fallen asleep without the knowledge that he is about to plummet a few thousand metres to his most gruesome death. Even though I hardly had a chance to fully embrace all of it as I had intended, I still learnt a great deal about myself, people and most importantly, life. Here are just a few of the ideologies I have stumbled upon.
- Friends are your most appreciated commodity. Family are your most valued.
- When faced with a dilemma that has a typically logical and illogical answer, go with your instincts, not your brain.
- Time is and never will be on your side.
- Parents have seen and done everything that you have or ever will before, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make the forewarned mistakes yourself.
- Should you ever fall in love with your friend, tell them. Your friendship will somehow strengthen that much more.
- Being honest is critical, but lying can sometimes be that much more important.
- The most obvious answer to an issue is not usually the correct one.
- Distance is the ultimate relationship killer. Sometimes though, distance is exactly what’s needed.
- Your family are always there for you, regardless of how severe your problem is.
- Somethings cannot be learnt; you just somehow know exactly what to do.
- Life is extremely erratic, ephemeral and unpredictable. If you have to do something, do it now. You may not be alive another moment longer.
- As George Carlin said before, “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.”
- Take many, many photographs. Write many, many stories. Keep a journal of all the notable moments in your life.
- Ask for advice, but do not assume that everything you hear is what you should do.
- There is more to one’s life that his or her actions dictates.
- Laugh at yourself once in a while. It not only keeps you modest, but also helps you to let go of the past.
- And with that said… Never let your past dictate your future. Only apply the valuable information gained in the past into your life now, so that you don’t do the same damn things again.
Those are all I can think of for now. I’ll probably forget most of these, but here lies a mantra to help you decipher the code of life. Enjoy!
- reddevilandy10
Unexplainable Unhappiness
Most of the people in my life are silently depressed. They go about life as if everything is fine, but behind their facade lingers pain, anger, remorse, hatred, self-loathing, heartache. I know, I’m partly one of them. I hate myself. I’m one of those who tries to hide these feelings, because I know people regard me as a melancholic, gloomy person. I see it in people’s eyes when they look at me. I understand though. I understand why others would look at another with such prejudice and misconceptions, especially if their lives are deemed self-fulfilling, perfect and complete. They can’t comprehend how I feel. And, as a result of these misunderstandings, I feel more and more alone and alienated each day.
Although, the support and unrequited love I receive from family and friends on a daily basis, I’m still cold and numb. I want gratification, not just love. Not just embraces or smiles. I want to feel as though I am meant to be here; I want to know that my birth was not just another unexplained anomaly of creation.
I’ve realised why I talk about Grahamstown so much among family and friends; why I say that I’d rather be there than here; why I constantly compare the two. It’s because Grahamstown is my piece of personal, unique, untainted experience. It’s mine to tell. I want to tell it. And I want the people in my life to be proud of me for it. That’s a reason why I keep this blog. Yes, it’s a personal journal for me, but when others read about my thoughts, experiences, journeys, ideas, shortcomings, triumphs, I feel as though people are interested in my life. I’m not just there, owning life, but I’m here too, through my words. Grahamstown is mine. And that is why I talk about it so much. No one else can claim to have experienced it. It makes me special. And clearly, that’s quite possibly the only fucking thing that distinguishes me from the rest of the people I know.
As I write this, I wonder how I will ultimately find some kind of direction, some kind of help. I don’t know, maybe divine intervention or something. But, while I’m home, I feel the furthest away from myself that I can feel. Utterly lost, alone and clueless about what I must be doing with all this wasted time and space.
“Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath”- “Amsterdam” by Coldplay.
- reddevilandy10
Lost Puppy Syndrome
Some days, I feel more like a lost puppy than on any others, just looking for his human. Today? Today is one of those. For those times when everything just builds, and builds and you see no form of release… I call it Lost Puppy Syndrome.
I really don’t like talking about my emotions to people who I don’t know, but my blog is slowly tending to that trust issue I have. I don’t mean to moan or to be a sensationalist… but this is real life. It can’t be amazing all the time. You will feel crap sooner than later. This is my time.
Why all of a sudden? I don’t really know. I woke up to one of the best dreams I have had in a long time, nothing sexual… it was nothing more than a perfect perception of my ideal life. It was glorious.
Of course, waking from that was a huge mistake – my life is far from being that perfect painting I try so hard to find. I was greeted with work due among other things. Reality is not the one you’d like to get coffee and a bagel from in the morning, let’s just put it like that.
Oh well, I’m off to journalism in a few minutes, so I thought I’d vent my anger, anxiety or just plain neuroticism here for all to read.
I’ll leave you with a lyric from my former Song of the Day, Amsterdam, performed by Coldplay:
“Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath”
I hope you’re reality is looking sunnier than mine, and yes, it is ironically, raining.
Term Four: The Final Stretch
Post Location: From my laptop. on my desk in my Smuts room, Grahamstown.
Weather: Extremely cold; clear; just above 10 degrees Celsius.
Mood: Tired but in a good frame of mind; determined.
I Feel Like…: Sitting at La Med with my friends, watching the sun set behind the ocean with a pina coloda in my hand.
Song of the Day: See below.
Having been at home this past week, it gave me a chance to catch up with the people who colour my life so vibrantly. Those who are always there for me, yes, even when I claim that they are not, I was deeply mistaken. The inspiration I have taken from those four days I got to spend with my friends and family will hopefully help me get through these next twelve weeks. The following twelve weeks will be the most crucial of my life thus far.
I begin examinations in eight weeks time, with one swot week in between, and three exam-state weeks in which I write six very important papers. Yep, so basically one could say that those three weeks will be the most important.
Anyway, getting back to my one week vacation – it really helped me refocus on why I am here. I figured that if I can get past this year, or more accurately this term, I basically have this degree wrapped up with a silver bow on it. I just need to graft for the next few weeks. I have realised that in the end, once I’m done with all this bullshit, I will be able to do exactly as I wish. I could work a bit, get a car, pay my parents back for the astronomical amounts that they’ve dished out in sending my ass here, and yes, eventually get my parents and more accurately, my mom, that kitchen she has always wanted.
It’s going to take bottles and bottles of energy drink, packet after packet of chocolate and hundreds of tons of breakfast cereal, but in the end, it will amount to something – something great.
For now, my short-term goals include passing this semester – and thus, the year; getting a part-time during the December holidays, earn a little cash for the following year; going absolutely bonkers with my friends for those three months that I will be home for; try to cut down on the convulsive mood-swings that I have way too often to be considered normal.
This term, I will try to be less dramatic, more factual and exact with my posts and more understanding to what people feel when I mention them in my blog.
I will, however, not hesitate to include what I want in this journal, as it is semi-private nonetheless.
I do feel like adding something extra to this blog… so, with that said, this is my inaugural “Song of the Day”
“Photographs” by Jamie Cullum.
This song reminds me so much of my recorded memories with the people I love. The lyrics go something like this:
“When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
When I look back on my ordinary ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.”
And with that, I shall end. Friends, family, see you in November. Thank you for everything. Everything.
Sousveillance
As you all can see, when I do pluck up the strength needed to get out of bed and go to the Journalism lecture, I actually pay attention. Today’s topic was sousveillance, basically the opposite of surveillance. And it got me thinking, I’m doing tons of that right here without really realising it.
Today was marred (and still is) by this rain that just won’t go away. It has been raining since I woke at 7.40 this morning, and still is raining now at 16.20. It’s horrible. A fair reflection on my own perception of life right now. Cold, damp and wintry.
Which brings me to this:
“Have you ever had one of those days where nothing all that monumental happens, but by the end of it you have no idea who you are or what the hell you are doing with your life? Do you ever have one of those days?”
- Robin Scherbatsky (played by Colbie Smoulders)
It comes from the HIMYM episode: “Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.”
Well have you?
My day was like this. My week has been like this. The past month has been like this. It’s like school all over again. The same cycle every single day. Waking up, breakfast, class, lunch, class, supper, work, sleep, waking up… &c.
I really don’t know what I’m doing here. Does anyone else feel this way??
It’s Not Nice To Hurt, Is It?
Oh boy. What a confusing week this one has turned out to be. And yes, I’m supposed to be writing a 2 000 word Psych essay at the moment, but I’m taking a break. Don’t judge. It’s not nice.
Anyway, I really thought that this week would be different, but nope, it was probably even worse than last week. Reason? Well, that I can’t divulge, it’s a bit too personal. All I can say is, people are never who they seem to be, no matter how long you’ve known them or how long you have been in love with them. Weird, isn’t it?
I’m feeling a strange sense of peace though. Almost as if some higher being is helping me deal with this. Could that be you, God? I sincerely hope so. But, in a way, I guess this feeling is a result of inevitability. I always assumed it would end up like this, and to be fair, one can only be hurt so many times before you become numb and oblivious to the pain. It’s as if I’m super-human now. Horribly so, I must add. Eventually you just run out of emotions. Happiness makes you depressed. Joy makes you weep. Anger brings you peace.
What I don’t understand however, is people’s strange desire to [expletive] things up before they realise what they truly want in life. I mean, I’ve been here all along. Did you not see me? Did you not take any notice whatsoever? Was I just some commodity in your life? And you know what the worst part about all of this is? I really loved her.
There’s a great song by 3 Doors Down entitled “Let Me Go”, and the chorus, which I couldn’t get out of my head, goes something like this:
“You love me but you don’t know who I am
I’m torn between this life I lead and where I stand
And you love me but you don’t know who I am
So let me go
Let me go”
And I asked myself after listening to this song over and over today, is what I have real? Am I supposed to walk through this jungle and find something on the otherside? Or is this where the path ends for good? I don’t know for sure. But, right now, I feel like you really really did me wrong.
I forgive you though. And to be honest, I would feel even worse if I didn’t have you as a friend. What do you say? At least do this one thing for me.
Whatever your choice, I’ll respect it. I probably won’t understand, but, I can’t live your life for you. I only wished that I could have lived mine beside yours.
Sleep well.
- reddevilandy10
Life’s “Little” Annoyances
I swear to God, life is bad enough without all of these little annoyances just feeding off the negatives. Seriously, I have people who I want to be with but can’t because I’m here in this shit hole, I have friends who I’ve realised over the past week, are in fact my guardian angels, but are not here either and I have the greatest family on Earth and, guess what, they’re not here too. I can’t take this shit.
Honestly, what’s the point of all of this? Sure as hell, I’m here to further my education, but, what does that mean in essence? A nine-to-five desk job with average pay only enough to feed my hypothetical family of the future, with a hypothetically frustrated wife because I can’t be at our hypothetical home as often as she wants me to be? My hypothetical kids growing up without my guidance? Me falling in to a very real rut in which I fail to get out of, no matter how hard I try, eventually being eaten from the inside out by pity, grief and self-depression? Life is bullshit. It is one monotonous, melancholy merry-go-round designed to make you puke so hard that you can’t even get up to puke again the next revolution. It’s sick. Why do we deal? Why the hell do we deal?
Why hasn’t anyone broken out of the ordinary shouting: “Screw you life! You’re my bitch!” Why not?? Is this even possible?
I thought life was simple here! Shit, I sure was jaded. I took those rosy-tinted sunglasses off earlier and what happened? The sun of reality scorched my damn cornea. Pretty damn blind I would say. And, I’m not one to think suicidal thoughts or anything, but seriously, what’s the point in all of this if religion is an abstract, man-made entity? Is it, really real?
“I don’t know, and I don’t know how to know. You know?”
- April from Definitely, Maybe.
I guess I’ll just have to suck it up. I’m not sure why, but what else can I do?
“Thursday Night Is…”
Ouch! My eye is itching!
What an awesome day. I would just like to thank the Lord at this moment in time for blessing me with the friends I’ve found. You guys are family to me! Okay, let’s leave the emotional stuff for another post. Seeing that my legs, back, abs and arms are pretty much broken, I can’t really type a 500-word essay now but, I will give you a recap of what has happened the life of reddevilandy10 these past 24 hours. Believe it or not kids, I was out of bed at 08h30! Now, if you don’t know me, that is about as early as I’m capable of getting up… any earlier, and I tend to be very dysfunctional. I had to do some shopping for the camp with my sister. After that, I spent the next eight hours either moving furniture, climbing up flights of stairs or waiting for an elevator to descend. In case you’re wondering, my sister moved into her new apartment (yes, I feel like using American English) today. Quite nice I must say, even though I can’t really picture myself living anywhere other than here at this very particular time.
Afterward, my friends and I went to Galaxy. I was broken. Still am. But the difference is now my feet hurt too. Only joking… It was awesome! By the way, if you guys happen to be in the Gatesville area anytime soon and are really hungry, make a turn by “Fast And The Furious” (corny name, indeed) fast food shop. I swear, that was thee biggest polony Gatsby I have ever had! I should have taken a picture of it, I know, but next time I will remember!
So now I’m in my room, about to say goodnight and sweet dreams. But, before I go, I feel the need to leave a quote…
“Even though we’ve changed and we’re all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not all still friends.”
- Author Unknown
Post Number One: Fresh Start
Nothing like a clean white page, or in this case, a totally new WordPress blog. It feels awesome to finally have it set up. I’ve been procrastinating (once) again, delaying it and delaying it until I conjured up a title worthy of my daily posting. Well, now that I have, I’ll be looking forward to grace this blog as often as I can. So, until then let me leave you with a quote I heard earlier today…
“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
- Isaac Asimov
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